Do you ever feel like you're in the deep end of a swimming pool, taking the swim test, and asked by the lifeguard to tread water? Only the 1 minute they ask of you to tread water last days and days. You think to yourself, "My legs and arms are tired, how do I keep going?" While trying to stay afloat, the world seems to whirl by.
In all the business of life, I find myself craving deep friendships. Why are we all too busy for each other? While I understand it is just a season of life, I wish it wasn't so. More and more I am saddened by growing up, not simply because it is good-bye to childhood, but because some friendships will never be the same. Once a season passes, it may never come again. I am reminded of the quote “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.” As these friendships change, I find myself asking God, so what's next?
Recently I had to make a really difficult phone call. It completely shook me up. (This was a "O my goodness, when did I become an adult moment?") I wondered why God had placed me in this situation that I felt completely unprepared for. And again asked, so what's next?
I know that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow because it has enough worries of its own, but at the beginning of each week my heart wilts a bit at the thought of the worrisome situations I will have to encounter in the next seven days. I can't help, but think to a year from now and gulp, where will I be? What will I be doing? Will the journey there be rough or smooth? God, what's next for my life?
I often wonder if a heart can break too many times, it can't be put back together. (I understand hearts are not like humpty dumpty) And I often wonder why a healing heart hurts. However, I do know that God is faithful and He is in the heart healing business and does know what's next for my life even if I don't.
Psalm 23
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Year I Lost my Mind
Looking at this year retrospectively in my language arts free write:
The alarm clock always seemed to buzz too soon.
The sun was even too tired to rise.
Oatmeal was burnt because my mind was too full to recall that it needed water.
Hours were spent hoping, dreaming, and praying.
Will I make it through today?
Will I lose my mind in the process?
Novels were neglected and friends had to be penciled in.
Free time had to be scheduled.
While my planner was neat, I grew to hate the clock.
Why must I run from here to there? Why can't I travel? Why don't I have time to exercise?
My mind wanted to rest, to know the to-do list has been finished.
Like eating a bowl of berries I wanted to savor each moment because soon the season would change.
I knew that someday I would look upon this time and miss the moments of stress, of adventure, of trying to figure out who I was and will be.
O to stop and take in the breath of the first hints of autumn, to glance across the field at the sunset gracing the horizon.
Funny at the moment , I didn't have a spare second to appreciate the journey.
I think that was the year I got my first wrinkle to think they've only multiplied.
Every time I thought I had lost my mind it came floating back about the time the sun returned its place in the sky.
The alarm clock always seemed to buzz too soon.
The sun was even too tired to rise.
Oatmeal was burnt because my mind was too full to recall that it needed water.
Hours were spent hoping, dreaming, and praying.
Will I make it through today?
Will I lose my mind in the process?
Novels were neglected and friends had to be penciled in.
Free time had to be scheduled.
While my planner was neat, I grew to hate the clock.
Why must I run from here to there? Why can't I travel? Why don't I have time to exercise?
My mind wanted to rest, to know the to-do list has been finished.
Like eating a bowl of berries I wanted to savor each moment because soon the season would change.
I knew that someday I would look upon this time and miss the moments of stress, of adventure, of trying to figure out who I was and will be.
O to stop and take in the breath of the first hints of autumn, to glance across the field at the sunset gracing the horizon.
Funny at the moment , I didn't have a spare second to appreciate the journey.
I think that was the year I got my first wrinkle to think they've only multiplied.
Every time I thought I had lost my mind it came floating back about the time the sun returned its place in the sky.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Overwhelmed
Today I was struck by how little I really know about life. Yes, I want to change the world, but how much do I really know of a struggling world. I never fully grasped how much home life really affects how students perform in the classroom. I find myself in this constant turmoil and struggle. As a student teacher, learning to be a real teacher someday, what is my role? Is my job to be compassionate? Is my job to make sure students meet all the standards? One of my students today mentioned that she's living on the streets, I was completely caught off guard. Oddly enough I had been brought to pray for her earlier. It seems God knew that she needed the prayer. I know nothing about being homeless or living on the streets. I know nothing about coming from a divorced-parent home. Yes, I have had my own struggles in life, but none seem to compare with the struggles my students face every day. I feel like there is such a responsibility in being a teacher, the responsibility to make sure my students feel loved, to be there to listen, and provide kleenex for their tears. I thought I had become callused to the brokenness in this world, but I find my heart breaking daily. I feel so inept, but I know God is faithful. I want to make a difference in this world . . . to leave footprints in the sand.
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