Waiting for the next cue

Recently, everything has been dependent on waiting, whether it be for "big life" decisions, waiting for this chapter to close or waiting for it to be my turn to order my coffee drink. Everything seems so up in the air. As I try and plan for the next paragraphs in my autobiography (yes I just made that phrase up) I can't help but think of the passage that talks about how we aren't to talk about all these lofty plans, but only speak in a manner of saying "If the Lord wills it." With the waiting comes nostalgia and wanting to cherish every moment. It's like when you're eating an incredible piece of cheesecake and you see that soon your piece will be gone, you begin to take smaller bites and savor each nibble. I am ready to embark on life's adventure, but I just want to take all my friends and family with me. All this to say, if you see me deep in thought or receive random text messages or phone calls, I simply am cherishing this time, missing you, and wanting to savor the moments left in this season.

The desire to feel lovely

At the core of every woman is to feel lovely. Women feel lovely when they feel appreciated and so it seems the moment a woman no longer feels appreciated, the no longer she feels lovely.
I've been pondering the above thoughts lately and wondered why at times it feels as if it's not enough to feel like we are lovely to our Creator. That should be enough right? Shouldn't we feel valued by the one who made us and knows our inner workings, but somehow we seek more. We want to be pursued, to be cherished. At times our hearts even ache when these are missing.
I must be honest, it's not even that we just want to be cherished by the guy, but that we just want to be cherished in general, to know we are valued for our friendship and our heart.
You know how that old song goes "I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I love you to love me . . ." I think that song echoes the song that orignates in every woman's heart.
I don't fully understand why this is such a life struggle. Women want to feel lovely and (with permission to say this) men don't always understand what it takes to make women feel lovely nor do they always understand what causes women to feel unlovely.
It's quite the conundrum.

Love, grace, and joy through this weary land

Today I began to understand how people age. I often wondered what made people's eyes begin to droop or to sink in a little. I also used to wonder why adults were always sighing. I think I get it now. As a young person you understand your own personal heart break, but it is through growing up I am beginning to understand the heart break of this planet. All of these thoughts have led me to my musings on love, grace and joy to get through this dry and weary land.
What is love? Is it merely a feeling? Is it a verb? Is love something different for everybody or is there one definition that the world can agree upon? People often say that love is a choice, but what about the kind of love that you just can't help. No matter how hard you try not to love, it just won't get away. There are definitely those people in my life that I have chosen to love, but there are also those few that I just can't help, but love, no matter what. I then wonder why do people marry people they have to choose to love and not people they can't help, but love no matter what happens in life. I know that there's more to a solid relationship than love, but isn't love the motivation between every single one of our actions? 1 John talks about how God is love, so why do we stray from making everything about love? Afterall, there is too much hate in this world. The hate in this world is simply evidence that we are broken creatures in dire need of a transformation. And that is where grace comes in.
I am not going to pretend to fully understand grace, but I do know that it is a breath of fresh air, a moment in time for creation to all breathe a sigh of relief at this sign of hope.

Thoughtfulness

Yesterday, a friend of mine reminded me that we need to serve people we encounter every day rather than simply make these lofty goals to save the world. I've been thinking about that conversation since. As I was teaching today, I wondered how I was to serve today. As I was pondering life, one of my little 3rd graders approached me with this lovely headband she and her mom had made for me (gold, sparkly band, with a darling red and white flower assembled and placed on the side of the head band). Last week, I had commented on how cute her headbands always are and she duely noted that comment. That's when it hit me that serving can also take the form of thoughtfulness. I know I always appreciate thoughtfulness i.e. when things I've said are remembered or when people know what brings me joy. I want to be more thoughtful, to take note of what brings others joy. It's easy to become discouraged by life, so rather than think about what we could do if we had the money or the resources, let us serve here, where we are, spreading joy through our thoughtfulness.

"You will make a change for the better"

As I am sitting in the young life office, preparing for the new semester and praying about God's direction, I look up and see what look likes a fortune cookie note taped to the computer "You will make a change for the better." I have no idea who placed this note here, but I do know that it has been here for a long time. It was not until today, however, that it resonated with my soul. While I have no idea what is in store for my life in the next year or what God's plans are for ministries that I am involved with, I am encouraged.
I often fear change, not because I am a type A personality who craves routine, order, and organization, but because change is an unknown. Like the Robert Frost poem goes, I am standing at the forefront of two paths in a yellow wood, not sure which path I am to take. Today, I would like to think that God placed this note in my vision today as to assure me that "You will make a change for the better." I really needed to hear this today. I want to change the world, but I have been more heightenly aware of my inadequacies this week, unsure how this passion can be fulfilled. "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weaknes. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts know what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that those who love God all things work together for good., for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn amaong many brothers. And those who he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." --Romans 8: 18-30

2011

I have been in deep reflection the last few days and have discovered a few things. We often focus on negative things in life, thinking that when we share the negatives we are creating real depth. In the mean time our lives become negatively focused and it becomes easy to lose sight of all the positives that life has to offer. I suppose it's a bit of a resolution for me, but I am seeking to find one thing to  be thankful for daily as to avoid becoming negative and bitter. Today I am thankful for the students in my class. 

I realized something as I observed and interacted with my students, they are not afraid to express themselves. One little boy was standing next to me in line and looked up at me "Can you please walk right by me because I'm scared?" Sometimes in life I often feel that way, wishing I could turn to the nearest person and say "Will you hold my hand as we walk, my current life situation has me feeling scared?" I'm not sure how that would go over, but I know that security would be comforting. Interestingly enough, I've felt that way a lot lately. While needing that comfort, also reacting similar to a little girl in my class who seemed to keep every other student at a distance today because it was just a rough one for her. There was a third student that I really related to today. This little boy approached me at the end of the day. "Miss Field, my tummy hurts." In between tears and hyperventilating breaths he expressed to me his discomfort. I tried to offer him some solutions, none of which he latched onto. After a few minutes he returned to his desk. It seems he just needed someone to know that he was hurting. I get that. As adults, it's easier to pretend like everything is okay when it's not. We push people away when we need them the most, we express our feelings of hurt, not for a solution but for a listening ear, and often we crave that feeling of security that someone walking close by our side brings. Yes, I'll be honest I'm feeling all of those things lately. However, I am choosing joy today. And I am thankful for the joy these children bring to my life. 

Dear God, what's next?

Do you ever feel like you're in the deep end of a swimming pool, taking the swim test, and asked by the lifeguard to tread water? Only the 1 minute they ask of you to tread water last days and days. You think to yourself, "My legs and arms are tired, how do I keep going?" While trying to stay afloat, the world seems to whirl by.
In all the business of life, I find myself craving deep friendships. Why are we all too busy for each other? While I understand it is just a season of life, I wish it wasn't so. More and more I am saddened by growing up, not simply because it is good-bye to childhood, but because some friendships will never be the same. Once a season passes, it may never come again. I am reminded of the quote “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.” As these friendships change, I find myself asking God, so what's next? 
Recently I had to make a really difficult phone call. It completely shook me up. (This was a "O my goodness, when did I become an adult moment?") I wondered why God had placed me in this situation that I felt completely unprepared for. And again asked, so what's next? 
I know that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow because it has enough worries of its own, but at the beginning of each week my heart wilts a bit at the thought of the worrisome situations I will have to encounter in the next seven days. I can't help, but think to a year from now and gulp, where will I be? What will I be doing? Will the journey there be rough or smooth? God, what's next for my life? 
I often wonder if a heart can break too many times, it can't be put back together. (I understand hearts are not like humpty dumpty) And I often wonder why a healing heart hurts. However, I do know that God is faithful and He is in the heart healing business and does know what's next for my life even if I don't. 
Psalm 23